Resting in my heart

I started doing a lot of work in my heart chakra today.




My last session with Gayla opened a gaping wound in my heart.



I felt such loss, and grief. Its Owen's anniversary today, and I realised that for the past 14 years I have been angry.

Angry with him for leaving me.

Angry with myself for being angry with him.



This anger and grief has held me back from moving on.

I had constructed a brick wall around my heart, allowing nobody access - and I didn't discriminate.

Today, with Gayla's help I pulled down a brick, and then another one, and another one after that. I confronted my anger and grief head on, and while I have a long journey ahead of me, I feel lighter.

I started working with my heart chakra last night, and realised that I need to sit within my heart and honour myself.

I forgive Owen.

I forgive myself.

So how did you celebrate Valentine's Day?

Photo of Mich by Leonie Allan
Being a single gal, missing that ever elusive relationship with the guy of my dreams, I decided that this year I would not take Valentine's Day laying down!

But what the hell, I made it a week for self-love, so here's what I did ...

I bought myself a ring of commitment (now you know my secret), yes it looks like an engagement ring and I wear it on that finger. But I bought it to remind myself that I AM ENOUGH. And to make a commitment to myself. I love myself enough to move my body. I love myself enough to eat healthy foods. And I love myself enough to get healthy.

I started yoga classes.

I started private lessons for pilates.

On Monday night I danced the Sacral Chakra to honour my inner-feminine, my sensuality, my sexuality and my creativity.

I had a somewhat indulgent day on Valentines Day itself. I took the day off and had a two hour session with my life coach, and a one hour session with my pilates coach.

This self-love thing rocks!

What did you do?

Late night ramblings of a new-world goddess

What a night!

I've had one of those evenings with my best friend, where we sat down and poured our souls out to each other. You know those times, often fuelled by a bit too much alcohol, where you lay it all down ... your hopes, your fears, everything.

We talked about our journeys since we had first met nine years ago.

She told me that she sees me as a contradiction, a fragile soul that is strong. And I guess she's right. J after all has been a passenger on my roller-coast ride which I call my life. She's seen the good, and the bad. She knows my deepest secrets.

However, as a butterfly emerges from a cocoon transformed, I feel as if I have come alive in the past two years.

I read her this quote from Isha Lerner:

Morning Glory,

The Goddess anew,

A flowering vine,

In radiant blue.

I speak my truth,

I live my dreams,

I am vibrant, alive,

and fully seen.

I'm not sure she quite got it. But it certainly got me thinking about my journey.

Who have I become? Who am I becoming?

I have awakened to the spirit, attuning to my own shimmering brilliance and vitality -- I am comfortable in who I am. A 'new-world' goddess who believes spiritual beauty is the ultimate truth which permeates and enchants the world.

An ardent prayer of gratitude rises in my heart, for I am again, and always have been, one with Anima Mundi, the soul of the world.

I have recognised the call of my own unique destiny. The time has come for me to truly embrace the New World Goddess - the sacred, feminine center which brings the beauty of perfection to all actions, deeds, and creations.

I seek resolution and let my old world die away, as I listen to the new voice emerging within my mind and heart. There can be no more lies, curses, or harmful conduct.

This New World Woman now at last reemerges from the sleeping womb of the last five thousand years. I awaken with Her - alive, vibrant, and renewed.

Sabotage

Why do I fight it so hard?
Decluttering my home, my life ...

Its almost as though I want to continue to punish myself
for some misdeed that I can't remember committing.

I've become the queen of procrastination
Living in chaos for the past few weeks,
as I can't finish what I started.

I wonder why I fight happiness
Yes, I do want it to come in to my life
But a part of me resists, why?

I know if I declutter my life
I'll have my space
My life will be lighter

Why do I resist?

I saw an Angel

The other day I was walking around the lake with Trinity.

It was dusk, and the sun was starting to set behind the Brindabellas.

A cool breeze quelled the heat of the day, and the ducks and water hens were getting their babies ready for bed.

Everyone we passed had a smile and a hello for us. It was so peaceful, it was truly magical.

I noticed the sun sky suddenly darken, and I looked up to see the sun had ducked behind a cloud to show me its silver lining.

Stopping to drink in this moment, I marvelled at the beauty I was witnessing.

It was then that I noticed, that the cloud had formed the shape of an angel.

I could see her in profile - her wings, her flowing gown, her beautiful face, even her hair tied back in a pony tail. The rays of the sun forming her aura. It was beautiful, magical ....

Thats when I knew that we're never alone - that our angels are always watching over us.

All the hardships, trials and tribulations that I'd faced in 2007 were over. I could feel the different energy of 2008.

Everything is falling into place ... life is beautiful!

Season's Greetings

Season's greetings everyone! I hope you all had a magical Christmas and got to spend time with those you love.

Its been so long since I last posted, properly anyway.

November and most of December saw me travelling around the country on photoshoots. My life has been one crazy whirlwind of hard work and adventure. I've had the opportunity to work with some of Australia's best photographers, and I've met some incredible people.

And then, my 4 weeks annual leave was upon me. I was so excited, I had so much planned. And then the universe told me I needed to slow down. On my first day of leave I came down with tonsillitis, I felt as if I'd swallowed a pack of razor blades.

My tonsillitis is still hanging in there, and I'm about to start round 2 of anti-biotics - honestly they look like horse tablets, and I have no idea as to why pharmaceutical companies think someone who is having trouble swallowing water can get one of these babies down. Sheez!

But on the bright side, its been good to have some down-time.

Over the past week and a half, I have started meditating again, I've booked into private training sessions for pilates, and I've read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love - and if you haven't already read this book, I highly recommend it!

I'm not waiting for the New Year to start my resolutions, there's no time like the present!

Mirror, mirror ....

Original Photo by Leonie Allan 2006 Warholized in 2007

The past week has been very powerful for me.I saw Gayla last Friday, and it stirred up so much for me. It was incredibly confronting, but at the same time empowering.

Light bulbs have been going off inside me for over a week now, interestingly though, I lost my voice.

Now being a student of the chakras, I'm quite aware that often when we are not speaking our truth, there is something that we're not saying in our lives, it often manifests as a physical ailment ~ in my case I believe its because I've been procrastinating on commencing some homework Gayla assigned me.

It seems pretty simple. She asked me to list 5 things which identify me. Sounds easy huh? Well no. I have found this task something I have found easier to run from than face it head on. But I guess if I want to find my voice again, both figuratively and literally, its something I must face.

So let's start with the definition of the word 'identity':

Main Entry: iden·ti·ty
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties

1 : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual
2 : the relation established by psychological identification

Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

There are many words I can use to describe myself. I am affectionate, cheerful, and caring. Others see me as passionate, playful, gentle and confident.

While these adjectives describe me accurately, they are only abstract versions of me.

Adjectives cannot begin to describe me and I acknowlege these descriptions for what they are, a condensed translation from my outward self to the world.

It is impossible for anyone to understand me completely because nobody has experienced the things I have, in the way I have.

My identity is something only I can define.

Think of a stacking doll. Each outer doll removed reveals another; smaller and more vulnerable than the previous. With each section combined there is a whole, but with only a section you cannot see the doll in it’s entirety and it is impossible to see whether another is hiding inside.

One's identity is similar. With little knowlege of a person it is impossible to know what is inside and whether there is more to see.

Identity is broader than one word definitions, different aspects such as feelings and memories contribute. In order to get the full sense of who a person is, the inner layers must be revealed.

The outer layer is how people see me, but the problem with characterisations and first impressions is that I don’t give an accurate perception of the real me.

Its not that I don’t like who I am, it’s more that I don't like what others think I am.

I used to spend my time focusing solely on work. Late last year I realised that I based my identity on who I was at work, what I achieved and how well-liked I was.

But one day it dawned on me that I had lost my identity and was left without any particular interests or characteristics that stand me apart.

That realisation scared the hell out of me. I literally woke up one day and realised that work took the place of my passions, and I relied on others to make me happy.

I had lost touch with myself. I let others shape me. This was certainly not my identity.

One of my favourite quotes is from Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world...As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

The part of me that sums up my identity best is not the adjectives given to me by family and friends, or the faults I find in myself.

So what are the five things that IDENTIFY me:

1. My identity is my desire to better myself
   
   
2. My identity is who I want to be and what I do to accomplish my goals
   
   
3. My identity is the feelings and emotions I pour into my journal every day, and the way I feel when I do something right.
   
   
4. My identity is not what others think of me or what I think of myself after a bad day.
   
   
5. My identity is the love and confidence I have in myself, and the beauty inside.

Kaleidoscopic dreams

My horoscope was very interesting today. It said:

Your love life is a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors today, dear Leo, full of complicated patterns and ever-changing displays of beauty. Everywhere you turn, a new perspective is revealed, and you learn something new about yourself and the people you are involved with. Remain open to the idea of partnership on multiple levels in which you experience different levels of commitment with different people. Every color is needed to make a complete rainbow.

I don't usually follow my horoscope, but this caught my eye. I feel my life changing. My world is being turned upside down and everything is topsy-turvy - but in a good way.

I met with Gayla on Friday. During our sessions it felt like a million lightbulbs were popping in my mind. She helped me change some of my old beliefs and to see things from a new perspective.

An old friend has come back into my life, for what reason, I'm not too sure. But he is welcome - I've missed him.

For the first time in a long time, I am emotionally available.

So I'll just sit back and wait for this adventure to unfold, and I thank you for sharing it with me!

Creating my future

I decided to create a Mind Movie for this week's task ... it was a lot of fun ... I hope you enjoy it as much as I did creating it. Thanks Nicole for the inspiration!

My Core Values

Photo taken today - the real me no make-up and bad hair day!

In order to make positive and sustainable changes in our lives, living in the ease and flow of who we naturally are, we must first understand what 'sustains' us.

What do you believe is important?

What is 'not negotiable' in your life?

I've been asked to answer the following questions as quickly and honestly as I can.

1. When all is said and done, these are the things that have real meaning to me:

• family - immediate and extended
• who I am - my integrity
• my friends
• Trinity (my fur baby)

2. I feel at my best when I am spending time with friends just being me.

3. I feel uncomfortable when I am asked to do something which is outside of my comfort zone.

4. I don't like to see people hurting.

5. I love harmony, in my family, amongst my friends, in my workplace ... I love to be surrounded by it.

6. I don't like disception, back-biting, nastiness and bullying.

7. I love hearing laughter, kind words.

8. I love feeling loved, safe, secure and happy.

9. I love seeing happiness, be it children playing, dogs running around, a couple in the street obviously in love ...

10. I love thinking about the future, and the steps I am taking to create my bliss.

11. I feel my worst when I allow myself to be put down.

12. I feel angry when I hear myself get caught up in bitchiness.

13. I don't like nastiness or bitchiness.

14. I want harmony at work and the respect of my colleagues.

15. My family life feels a little on the crazy side at times. I know have an extended family and embrace it whole-heartedly.

16. My friends, my true friends, I can count on one hand. I have other friends who are more acquaintances.

17. My current work compliments my core self in a way, but I find myself moving more towards helping people, I've always loved helping people and making them feel better about themselves.

18. I would change quite a bit. I'd like to change how I react to other people's attitudes about me - I'd like to be less 'emotional' at work. I'd like to change some perceptions so they can see the real me - this means taking down my mask.

19. I'm good at communicating, helping people realise their own potential, hiding who I am.

20. I feel happy and satisfied when I see myself genuinely helping people to realise their own potential.

21. I can see myself happily working as a life coach, author and speaker.

The one very most important thing to me is to be happy in life.

© Gayla Maxwell 2007, from her 21 Day e-COREse.

MY SIMPLE FOCUS FOR TODAY IS...

Today I choose

to focus on being more aware

of what easily inspires feelings
that I enjoy like happiness, love, connection
and also what provokes feelings that I do not like.

Virtual Women's Circle | Soul Work | Creating your bliss

I believe we've developed a kind of online women's circle. We certainly meet all the criteria: we share our hopes and dreams; we support each other; we cry and laugh with each other. Without even trying, we have created a virtual women's circle.


So, I'm setting some soul work for all of you who care to join in ...


Read the post below and answer the two following questions:

1. What in your life is being built?


2. What inner vision do you carry?


3. What must you do in order to accomplish your true goals?

Publish your answers in your blog and then post a link to your post in the comments page to this blog.

Holy splash of Time

This beautiful movie will lead you into a satisfying sense of presence with every viewing.

A beautiful and soothing way to remind you of the sacredness every moment brings.

If there is any stress in your life, you need this movie.

If you feel like there is never enough time, you need this movie.

If you'd just like a moment to call your own, YOU NEED this movie.

http://www.holysplashoftimemovie.com/